Here we are again

I was hoping not to be here. Here as in, here we are using fertility drugs again. They say, you know the "they's" of the world, that every pregnancy resets a woman's body so just because she had trouble conceiving before one child doesn't mean she'll always have trouble. Part of that is true for me. My cycles have been much more regular after Matthew. Thank you, Matthew. However, because I had a c-section with him, giving birth did not correct one of my infertility issues.

I won't go into enormous detail about what that issue is, just that I have a tilted cervix. From a medical standpoint, I probably was able to get pregnant with Matthew thanks to a very sorrowful miscarriage and allowing my cervix to be in such as a way as to let a pregnancy happen. From a spiritual standpoint, God worked a miracle and out of another tragic miscarriage came the opportunity for us to get pregnant with Matthew and stay pregnant this time.

We've been trying to get pregnant for 8 months. Is your mind churning doing the math? Yes, Matthew was only 2 months old. I'm 35. With my infertility issues, we wanted to get going on expanding our family. I don't care if you think we're crazy for having them so close in age, it is what it is. But here we are, having trouble once again with getting pregnant. We finally decided to try Clomid again. I'm not any more worried about multiples with fertility drugs than I am anyway. There's a slight chance of multiples from my side of the family and there's a slight chance of multiples in life anyway. The lowest dose of Clomid is just to help things work correctly so that pregnancy is possible.

I still don't know how to feel about it. I'm sad we haven't gotten pregnant on our own. I'm sad I need medical help. I'm excited to be trying Clomid again. I'm nervous it won't work. I'm nervous about doing insemination again (IUI). I'm terrified to have another miscarriage. But this time, it's very different. We have a son. He's beautiful, he's fun and we are a family. If it's just us 3, then so be it. Maybe I'll get pregnant this month, maybe next year, maybe never again. The unknown part of God's plan for us is just as frustrating as it was before but that frustration immediately turns to joy because I'm already a mommy. Plus, the unknown before was scary and frustrating and sad and look how it turned out in the end....pure bliss at the sight of my newborn son.

So, here we are again. Can't wait to see how this turns out.